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FAMILIES —
THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY
By Louise BehielAs a therapist, I work with many people who come from less than stellar families. Research shows much of this population has similar backgrounds and recreates the same problems in adulthood. Although not even scratching the surface of a difficult and complicated topic, I hope this sketchy information will provide writers with a deeper understanding of character motivation and behaviour.
On-going research with twins separated at birth suggests that about 53% of our adult characteristics are genetically programmed. (All parents can breathe a sigh of relief now.) The remainder of who we become is determined by our family and environment.
In normal, healthy families, children are allowed to explore and express themselves. However, children raised in homes with chronic, over-whelming stress (and I'm not talking about father's boss or city traffic) will have their lives moulded to suit the needs of the family, rather than the other way around. These children grow into adulthood with a unique set of expectations and rules about life and their roles.
Their families: Studies into families have been on-going for many years, but work in the 80's with alcoholic males showed that their families (wives and children) had a major impact on their ability to stay sober. Ironically, the more independent the wife was, the less she had and would cater to her husband and his addiction, the more likely he was to find lasting sobriety. Many studies into the dynamics of these families were conducted. Researchers and therapists working with this population were surprised to find common threads and behaviours in the family and in the marital couple. They were amazed to find these same results extended far beyond families where Dad was an alcoholic. Homes where one parent had a mental or a physical illness, which prevented that parent from fully participating in the family, where other addictions (work, the computer, the internet, sex, gambling, bingo, etc.) were present often yielded similar dynamics. As a result, many therapists now define these families as having "one or both parents emotionally absent".
Did you ever see a wonderful, hard working couple and wonder why their kids turned out with so many problems? Or why one kid in a family is such a problem - even as an adult, and another is a model of responsibility and success? Some research suggests that these children grew up with the effects of an emotionally absent parent. Ironically, their homes may be in upper class neighbourhoods or not. They may have executives or blue-collar workers as parents. Before you start comparing anything read to your own situation, remember that I've generalized lots and there is huge variation in every situation.
In these families, one parent is more focused on themselves than anyone else. While this may be masked as "working hard" or "spending time on the computer", in fact what is happening is that the parent isn't there for the children. In itself, it's not a big deal, as long as the other partner feels loved and secure in the relationship. (By the way, most of the research has been done on families where Dad is the emotionally absent parent and Mom is the caretaker. In the reverse situation, the dynamics can be quite different.) However, if Mom feels that Dad's choices are less than desirable, or that she's being ignored or if she's less than secure in the marriage, she will often turn her time and emotional attention to Dad and the "problem" he's causing. As soon as that happens (because it tends to continue once the dynamic is set in place), the children begin to suffer - although it's not always obvious until later in life.
Over time, Mom's focus shifts more and more to Dad. She may become completely obsessed with where he is and what he's doing and with whom. If he's a man who's at home, drinking in the garage or hiding in a tinfoil lined room in the basement, Mom will still focus all her energy on him - always trying to get him to behave acceptably. The result is a home with constant, unremitting tension. Even the happy times carry the shadow of risk - an explosion may happen at any moment and for no apparent reason.
In a home where violence is the norm, the same tension exists, only here, it's exacerbated by the risk of physical pain. Everyone in these homes walks on eggshells, afraid to set off another 'incident'. And either parent may explode without reason. As a result, the children do not have a safe place to be kids. And that mark is carried into adulthood.
Imagine, if you can, a home where a drunken father asks his two-year old daughter to come and kiss him hello. The child may not want to - after all, Daddy doesn't smell too good and he's weaving and he's yelling at Mommy. But she knows she doesn't have a choice - she crosses the room and pecks him on the cheek. She's already learned an important lesson - other people's wishes are more important than hers, particularly if they're 'bigger' than her (or in positions of authority over her). If, in that same scenario, Daddy gets angrier and slaps her, or punches her or throws her across the room, the child has learned another important lesson - people can't be trusted - especially when they say they love you. The child may also grow up waiting for the 'other shoe to drop' or waiting for a catastrophe to happen. This is a lesson that takes many years of conscious attention to forget. Unfortunately, it often becomes a pervasive attitude toward life.
In these homes, three rules are developed and become carved in stone:
1. Don't talk
2. Don't trust
3. Don't feelThese rules never go away - unless the child, as an adult, makes a conscious effort to break the pattern and create a different life message for themselves and their families.
Children raised in these homes also adjust to the on-going tension by adopting one of four roles by which they live their lives. Unfortunately for the children of emotionally absent parents, these roles become their lives - they don't know another way to relate to the world. While the rest of the population will move between roles, using different ones at different times and in appropriate ways, these children (and the adults they become) are denied the opportunity to experience the richness of all life has to offer and they get locked into one way of looking at the world. Subsequent articles will each focus on one of these roles: The Hero, The Scapegoat, The Lost Child, and the Mascot.
Credit for the original work for this article is given to claudia black "it will never happen to me", sharon weigscheider-cruse "adult children of alchoholics" and melody beatty "co-dependent no more".
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One of the co-founders of the chapter and the current President, Louise divides her time between working full-time, writing and being bossed around by her two little poodles.
©Louise Behiel 2003
